Today’s piffle loves the smell of Dulux in the morning

Woo-woo. Dum-chum de-de de-de de. Woo-woo. Please allow The Mill to, er… Dum-chum de-de de-de de. Woo-woo. Something about driving a tank when the bodies stank. Dum-chum de-de de. Woo-woo.

For reasons that aren’t immediately clear, this morning the Mill feels a little different about the biggest story in the history of not-that-big stories painfully overinflated by righteous and self-serving gusts of hot air heated solely by the heart from hot air generated by pure hot air.

Whereas yesterday The Mill felt itself ranged squarely shoulder-to-shoulder, cheek-to-cheek alongside Cheryl, handsome dancer Derek, the dirty-looking blonde one from Girls Aloud and the perfumed-handkerchief-dabbing moral arbiters of the filthy red-tops. Today it has started to feel a slight dilution of its frothing indignation towards the world’s most evil left-back.

The Mill suspects it has something to do with this morning’s Sun. One of these people going about their business in a French medical clinic is behaving really quite strangely. But which one?

“ASHLEY Cole refused to say sorry for betraying Cheryl yesterday after The Sun tracked him down to a swish sports clinic in south west France. We asked him the question the whole nation wants to ask: “How could you?” But the shaken Chelsea star could only reply: “I just can’t talk about that.”

“Cole, having treatment on his broken ankle at the clinic in Capbreton, a seaside town near Biarritz, tried to hide behind an exercise machine when challenged by our reporter. And wearing a supportive sandal on his injured foot, he hobbled away on crutches after refusing to comment further.”

The Mill asks you. You get the bleeding Eurostar. You blag your way in through the gates. You then accost a weeping man on crutches and distract him from flexing his toes repeatedly while listening to sad power ballads on his chrome-plated iPod. And all you get in return is a polite refusal to discuss the most traumatic few days of his life.

Also, there’s this:

“LOVE rat Ashley Cole has blamed his mother-in-law over his marriage break-up. He told pals that life with Cheryl went downhill when her mum Joan, 50, moved in to keep an eye on her.

“A source close to Ashley was last night reported to have said their sex life dwindled to virtually nothing.
They added: “It’s a bit of a passion killer to have your mum in the house.”"

The Mill was rather surprised to read these words and would like to extend a personal invitation to Joan Tweedy to infiltrate The Mill’s own dank and cobwebbed crawl space in the eaves of fashionable .Co.Uk Integrated Towers in London’s horrible Kings Cross any time she fancies it. Blurry mobile phone photographs of The Mill’s ancient, sodden, mildewed sewn-in smalls are available on request.

Meanwhile in the world of almost non-existent actual concrete flimsy football tittle-tattle The Mirror says Arsène Wenger is “keeping tabs on” the 18 year-old Ajax starlet Christian Eriksen, who has been recommended by Dennis Bergkamp.

Arsenal have also given a trial to the 17 year-old Icelandic Whizzkid Ingolfur Sigurdsson, who plays, sadly, not in goal for, but inmidfieldfor Knattspyrnufelag Reykjavikur. Robin Van Persie is going to be fit for the last six games of Arsenal’s “title push” according to Bert Van Marwijk, who says: “I spoke to Robin on the phone last week and he is improving all the time and feeling better. You can hear it in his voice that he feels he is improving.” Hopefully this involved him saying at some point “I feel I am improving”.

Wayne Bridge is “in turmoil” over his expected England call up this weekend. He’s still too cross to kick a ball around next to John Terry, because Terry had sex with his ex-girlfriend, who had previously split up with Wayne Bridge, reportedly in part because of his own “philandering ways”.

Next week: fur singlet-clad Wayne Bridge drags woman through village by her hair because that shirt’s not going to iron itself. Roberto Mancini says his job is completely safe. “I don’t feel under pressure at all,” he said, speaking from beneath a small nest of antique stain occasional tables.

Neil Warnock is being “coy” over whether he’s about to leave Crystal Palace. “Can I deny speculation about going to QPR? No,” he said, before taking to the stage to sing “Happy Birthday Mr President” in a strapless ball gown while making a range of creepily child-like cooing kissy kissy noises.

In the Daily Mail Hull’s Kamil Zayatte says he’s going to leave in the summer. “I see myself at a bigger club than Hull. If I could land a move to Manchester United, Arsenal or Chelsea it would make all Guineans proud of me,” he said, making all Guineans feel at first amused and slightly protective and then perhaps even a little worried. In an EXCLUSIVE it turns out Bridge will refuse to shake hands with Terry when Man City play Chelsea this weekend.

The Mirror also reports that Rafael Benítez was asked why he’s so fat by Romanian journalists yesterday. One cheeky scamp asked: “Mr Benítez, the last time I saw you was at the 2005 Champions’ League final, and your, erm, silhouette seems to have changed since then. Why is that?”

Benitez replied: “It is the stress of having to answer so many questions from the press. Thank you and goodnight,” before clearing the soup bowls away, and going into the kitchen to flob in the beef Wellingtons. Jermaine Pennant has been sent home from training by Real Zaragoza after arriving late for the third time in two weeks. And the Portsmouth defender Dusko Tosic is going to leave on a free transfer having never played in a league game, which is probably all for the best.

In The Sun Ryan Babel has “vowed to knuckle down after a heart-to-heart with boss Rafael Benítez”. Babel said: “I have had a good talk with the manager and I know what I have to do.

“That is what I am going to concentrate on. I just have to try to be patient, keep working hard and doing my best.”

Landon Donovan has “hinted” he might like to make a permanent move to Everton. “I think it’s been an incredible experience and away from football, the people have been extremely nice,” he said, implying that English football might contain people who are something other than “incredibly nice”.

And according to Goal.com Kansas City Wizards wizard Luis Gil has been signed by Real Salt Lake.

“Real Salt Lake provides a prime environment for the development of young players,” says the excitable, blazered wise-cracking, golf-playing, sample-carrying, Cadillac-driving, wife-flirting, squirtie-water-flower-wearing overly friendly American man in a suit Garth Lagerwey.

“The dream of venturing onto the Rio Tinto Stadium turf will surely inspire Luis to work hard every day in training. We have a talented, veteran team and we have no expectation that any young player will easily crack our championship lineup, though our hope is that Luis is eventually able to earn minutes in the years ahead,” he added, sounding like a demented alien.

ArsenalChelseaAjaxHull CityLiverpoolCrystal PalaceQPRBarney Ronayguardian.co.uk

Chelsea’s captain is starting to feel the pressure and his form is beginning to dip

As the nation’s pubs and parlours continue to agonise over the John Terry affair England’s most talked-about footballer had a rather patchy second public examination of his on-field abilities.

Terry had passed the first test calmly enough, when scoring the winning goal at Burnley on Saturday. However, Terry’s footballing cojones have never been in doubt and his late header at Turf Moor prepared us for another evening where the expectation was he would breeze through.

But he stepped out against Hull knowing he was only a potential two days away from the showdown with the England manager, Fabio Capello, which will decide if the captain’s armband continues to be worn by the boy from Barking. His potential demotion from that position, and the gaping hole it will punch in his pride, might just be starting to get through to him as the Chelsea captain had an evening he would rather forget.

The defence, which it is his primary job to shepherd, was shaky, while his own contribution, one that included a yellow card early in the second half for a clumsy challenge on Jozy Altidore, was hardly rock solid.

Capello has yet to air his views on the effect of Terry’s alleged affair with Vanessa Perroncel, the former girlfriend of England’s reserve left-back Wayne Bridge. But it is understood that the manager is still undecided and wishes to speak first with Terry so that he can gauge his captain’s state of mind.

The Italian will also wish to establish if the very worst of this, or any future Terry scandal, is now out, following the cumulative effect of other notorious episodes, the latest of which featured Terry taking £10,000 for a tour of the Chelsea training ground – he claims the cash was given to charity.

If further revelations are to be revealed in the near future then Capello will wish to be told in advance, so he can make a fully informed judgment.

Terry, too, is thought to be undecided over his next move and is keen to know what Capello is thinking before he makes any decision. Credulity is stretched, though, when trying to imagine a man who loves leading deciding he is happy to fall on his sword.

The night in Hull began with Terry receiving the first of many regulation boos he would surely have expected as he led his team out for the warm-up. These were followed by an opening verse of Same Old Terry, Always Cheating, which was repeated throughout. Then Chelsea conceded an early corner and the defender also had to listen to Terry, Terry Where’s Your Wife?

The answer to that poser is that Toni Terry is in Dubai to escape the furore and, reportedly, considering the future of her marriage.

Apparently Terry wants to follow her to the Gulf state for crisis talks. This, though, depends on his being given permission by Chelsea, although the club are currently keeping their own counsel.

Of more concern to Mr Chelsea as he left the field would have been the flat performance of his team – who would have gone four points clear with a win last night – just as Manchester United are beginning their familiar new year challenge for the title. And Arsenal are next up at Stamford Bridge, on Sunday.

This was not a bad performance from Terry but a wobbly one, and you could sense how he needs to have his England future sorted out sooner rather than later.

Terry had been in the frame for the sloppy goal they conceded after 30 minutes. His man at corners was Anthony Gardner, and though Terry again shadowed him, when Stephen Hunt’s delivery landed between him and Michael Ballack, Steven Mouyokolo moved in to head beyond Petr Cech.

At least the first half ended with Terry, having again been asked the location of his spouse, seeing Didier Drogba equalise. That caused him to salute the travelling Chelsea support before he appeared to offer a stare and a shush at the singing Hull fans on his way back for the restart.

After Burnley on Saturday Carlo Ancelotti had dismissed questions of Terry’s leadership. “There is no discussion about this. I don’t know why you ask me this. I do not want to talk about his personal life.”

A hunch says that Capello may broadly share the same views as Ancelotti having been reared in the same country, one whose privacy laws can be described as draconian when compared to Britain’s.

On Friday we will discover how far away Capello feels he is from his Italian homeland.

John TerryChelseaHull CityPremier LeagueJamie Jacksonguardian.co.uk