Feb 25

Thursday’s football transfer rumours: Neil Warnock to QPR?

Today’s piffle loves the smell of Dulux in the morning

Woo-woo. Dum-chum de-de de-de de. Woo-woo. Please allow The Mill to, er… Dum-chum de-de de-de de. Woo-woo. Something about driving a tank when the bodies stank. Dum-chum de-de de. Woo-woo.

For reasons that aren’t immediately clear, this morning the Mill feels a little different about the biggest story in the history of not-that-big stories painfully overinflated by righteous and self-serving gusts of hot air heated solely by the heart from hot air generated by pure hot air.

Whereas yesterday The Mill felt itself ranged squarely shoulder-to-shoulder, cheek-to-cheek alongside Cheryl, handsome dancer Derek, the dirty-looking blonde one from Girls Aloud and the perfumed-handkerchief-dabbing moral arbiters of the filthy red-tops. Today it has started to feel a slight dilution of its frothing indignation towards the world’s most evil left-back.

The Mill suspects it has something to do with this morning’s Sun. One of these people going about their business in a French medical clinic is behaving really quite strangely. But which one?

“ASHLEY Cole refused to say sorry for betraying Cheryl yesterday after The Sun tracked him down to a swish sports clinic in south west France. We asked him the question the whole nation wants to ask: “How could you?” But the shaken Chelsea star could only reply: “I just can’t talk about that.”

“Cole, having treatment on his broken ankle at the clinic in Capbreton, a seaside town near Biarritz, tried to hide behind an exercise machine when challenged by our reporter. And wearing a supportive sandal on his injured foot, he hobbled away on crutches after refusing to comment further.”

The Mill asks you. You get the bleeding Eurostar. You blag your way in through the gates. You then accost a weeping man on crutches and distract him from flexing his toes repeatedly while listening to sad power ballads on his chrome-plated iPod. And all you get in return is a polite refusal to discuss the most traumatic few days of his life.

Also, there’s this:

“LOVE rat Ashley Cole has blamed his mother-in-law over his marriage break-up. He told pals that life with Cheryl went downhill when her mum Joan, 50, moved in to keep an eye on her.

“A source close to Ashley was last night reported to have said their sex life dwindled to virtually nothing.
They added: “It’s a bit of a passion killer to have your mum in the house.”"

The Mill was rather surprised to read these words and would like to extend a personal invitation to Joan Tweedy to infiltrate The Mill’s own dank and cobwebbed crawl space in the eaves of fashionable .Co.Uk Integrated Towers in London’s horrible Kings Cross any time she fancies it. Blurry mobile phone photographs of The Mill’s ancient, sodden, mildewed sewn-in smalls are available on request.

Meanwhile in the world of almost non-existent actual concrete flimsy football tittle-tattle The Mirror says Arsène Wenger is “keeping tabs on” the 18 year-old Ajax starlet Christian Eriksen, who has been recommended by Dennis Bergkamp.

Arsenal have also given a trial to the 17 year-old Icelandic Whizzkid Ingolfur Sigurdsson, who plays, sadly, not in goal for, but inmidfieldfor Knattspyrnufelag Reykjavikur. Robin Van Persie is going to be fit for the last six games of Arsenal’s “title push” according to Bert Van Marwijk, who says: “I spoke to Robin on the phone last week and he is improving all the time and feeling better. You can hear it in his voice that he feels he is improving.” Hopefully this involved him saying at some point “I feel I am improving”.

Wayne Bridge is “in turmoil” over his expected England call up this weekend. He’s still too cross to kick a ball around next to John Terry, because Terry had sex with his ex-girlfriend, who had previously split up with Wayne Bridge, reportedly in part because of his own “philandering ways”.

Next week: fur singlet-clad Wayne Bridge drags woman through village by her hair because that shirt’s not going to iron itself. Roberto Mancini says his job is completely safe. “I don’t feel under pressure at all,” he said, speaking from beneath a small nest of antique stain occasional tables.

Neil Warnock is being “coy” over whether he’s about to leave Crystal Palace. “Can I deny speculation about going to QPR? No,” he said, before taking to the stage to sing “Happy Birthday Mr President” in a strapless ball gown while making a range of creepily child-like cooing kissy kissy noises.

In the Daily Mail Hull’s Kamil Zayatte says he’s going to leave in the summer. “I see myself at a bigger club than Hull. If I could land a move to Manchester United, Arsenal or Chelsea it would make all Guineans proud of me,” he said, making all Guineans feel at first amused and slightly protective and then perhaps even a little worried. In an EXCLUSIVE it turns out Bridge will refuse to shake hands with Terry when Man City play Chelsea this weekend.

The Mirror also reports that Rafael Benítez was asked why he’s so fat by Romanian journalists yesterday. One cheeky scamp asked: “Mr Benítez, the last time I saw you was at the 2005 Champions’ League final, and your, erm, silhouette seems to have changed since then. Why is that?”

Benitez replied: “It is the stress of having to answer so many questions from the press. Thank you and goodnight,” before clearing the soup bowls away, and going into the kitchen to flob in the beef Wellingtons. Jermaine Pennant has been sent home from training by Real Zaragoza after arriving late for the third time in two weeks. And the Portsmouth defender Dusko Tosic is going to leave on a free transfer having never played in a league game, which is probably all for the best.

In The Sun Ryan Babel has “vowed to knuckle down after a heart-to-heart with boss Rafael Benítez”. Babel said: “I have had a good talk with the manager and I know what I have to do.

“That is what I am going to concentrate on. I just have to try to be patient, keep working hard and doing my best.”

Landon Donovan has “hinted” he might like to make a permanent move to Everton. “I think it’s been an incredible experience and away from football, the people have been extremely nice,” he said, implying that English football might contain people who are something other than “incredibly nice”.

And according to Goal.com Kansas City Wizards wizard Luis Gil has been signed by Real Salt Lake.

“Real Salt Lake provides a prime environment for the development of young players,” says the excitable, blazered wise-cracking, golf-playing, sample-carrying, Cadillac-driving, wife-flirting, squirtie-water-flower-wearing overly friendly American man in a suit Garth Lagerwey.

“The dream of venturing onto the Rio Tinto Stadium turf will surely inspire Luis to work hard every day in training. We have a talented, veteran team and we have no expectation that any young player will easily crack our championship lineup, though our hope is that Luis is eventually able to earn minutes in the years ahead,” he added, sounding like a demented alien.

ArsenalChelseaAjaxHull CityLiverpoolCrystal PalaceQPRBarney Ronayguardian.co.uk

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Oct 08

Football transfer rumours: Maicon to Manchester United?

Today’s nonsense is toeing the line

The Mill lives a frictionless kind of existence. It sees no borders, carries no passport and exists mainly on a diet of extra salty jumbo peanuts and small lukewarm cans of Heineken that cost £6.50. The Mill is a citizen of the world: craggy, well-groomed and surfing the rip-tides of international commerce. A bit like Tom Cruise in that film where he flies around killing people and preaching at taxi drivers and has perfectly sculpted bouffant grey hair and the best bit is when he dies at the end and finally stops talking. Or, at least, a bit like Tom Hanks in that other film where he gets stuck in an airport and wanders around being a rootless, charming idiot savant with a generic “foreign” accent that involves saying things like “HyI hyave hyleanrt hymany hythings hyabyout hyAmerica”.

So the Mill hates international week. Nobody ever issued a sensational want-away come-and-get-me-plea cash-plus-player swap loan deal involving a 16-agent pay-off clause in international week. International week is the anti-rumour. And it’s all terribly sad because even the Mill can see that if England could just shift out David James, Glen Johnson and Emile Heskey to Finland or Slovenia or Honduras, and then successfully unsettle, chisel out and swoop for Maicon, Igor Akinfeez and Dider Drogba, then they might have a decent team. Chuck in Ryan Giggs on a Bosman and Franck Ríbery in an octuple swap deal involving Carlton Cole, Shaun Wright-Phillips and six other of Those Blokes Who Sit There Next To Wes Brown Chewing Gum And Then Clapping At The End, and we might be in business.

But no, at times like these The Mill has to be content with Louis Saha revealing in today’s Sun that he “nearly quit with depression” during his 23 injuries in four years at Manchester United, presumably only dragged back from the brink by the consolation prize of being paid £60,000-a-week to sit around in his white leather mansion with a packet of peas on his knee watching ESPN Classic re-runs of the 1994-95 Ashes series all day. “I can laugh now but I was a depressive,” he laughed now.

Also in the Sun, blue-spectacled Italian Austin Powers type Flavio Briatore is likely to be “banished from football” some time today. David James thinks he can be really good and really old, like Dino Zoff, rather than just really old. And bearded, smock-wearing, 19th-century Hull City agricultural worker Caleb Folan, currently on loan at Middlesbrough, has described Phil Brown as “childish, pathetic and laughable”. “I just think they are not being managed in the right way,” Folan muttered, adjusting his tall felt hat.

The Mirror reveals exclusively that George Gillett is selling half of Liverpool to Prince Faisal bin Fahd. “The Arab is looking to become a major player and building a new Anfield would make the business world look up to him,” says the Mirror, a phrase that somehow makes the Mill feel slightly queasy while an image of a bearded, overweight man in a baseball cap and a Beatles wig punching the air and singing You’ll Never Walk Alone swims before its eyes.

Also in the Mirror, an actual rumour [pause while the Mill falls ravenously upon the corpse of Maicon's potential move to Manchester United and energetically devours its brain like a George Romero zombie extra who feels he was insultingly overlooked for a more central role, perhaps as the chief, slightly more intelligent zombie, and feels he has a point to prove].

Although, hang on. “Maicon’s agent believes Manchester United have upped their interest in the Inter Milan defender but insists there are no offers on the table.” “They have been following him for a while,” Maicon’s agent insists, ducking into a small cafe in a minor European capital city and then cleverly managing to lose “them” by hiding behind a tram and doubling back before going off to dye his eyebrows black at the sink in a small rented room and staring into the mirror soulfully.

Also Sol Campbell is “in talks” with West Brom about an immediate comeback.

And Adrian Mutu could leave Fiorentina in January. “If an interesting offer arrives in January, for both the player and the club, we will evaluate it together,” slavered his agent, wobbling his chins, wiping the drool from his cheek, cramming en entire roasted partridge into his jaws and falling sideways on to the floor in order to roll around like a milk-sozzled baby pig in an accumulated swill of discarded bank notes, ostrich leather foreign currency wallets, Parmesan cheese wedges and the keys to a fleet of essentially quite silly-looking orange and yellow muscle cars.

In the Times, Manchester United have been given the go-ahead to sign Le Havre winger Paul Pogba, who likes Ben 10, Power Rangers, Dinosaur King and riding his bike. In the Mail, Glenn Hoddle has revealed terrorist planned to blow him up at the 1998 World Cup. “There had been lots of trouble on the streets the night before. I didn’t know at the time, but I was told years later that people were trying to blow up the England bench,” he says, preposterously. The People’s Front For The Righteous Annihilation Of Ray Clemence were unavailable for comment.

And Spurs hatstand Roman Pavlyuchenko could be on his way to Zenit St Petersburg. “There are several clubs, in which Roman is interested,” said his Mr 10%, brandishing a flyer from The Venue in New Cross and discreetly drawing attention to the forthcoming George Michael and Wham! “Keep The Faith” Tribute night.

Feel free to contribute your own hot’n'juicy rumours below the line

Manchester UnitedInternazionaleFiorentinaLiverpoolWest BromHull CityQueen’s ParkBarney Ronayguardian.co.uk

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