Stoke won at Spurs for the first time since the 70s, while Wigan came from behind to damage Burnley’s perfect home record
Preamble Hello. Only four fixtures this afternoon, but none of them involve the Big Four/Five so there’s plenty to look forward to. Steve Bruce is going back to Birmingham; Tottenham will go top of the league – they haven’t been top from October onwards for a quarter of the century – if they beat Stoke by four goals at White Hart Lane; two of English football’s very best young managers will be presiding over Burnley v Wigan; and the world’s worst manage Phil Brown will be doing as Phil Brown does during Hull’s dispiriting home defeat to Portsmouth.
In case you are extremely stupid and can’t extract the relevant information from the above paragraphs, these are the 3pm Premier League fixtures, with my inevitably erroneous predictions
Birmingham 0-2 Sunderland
Burnley 2-1 Wigan
Hull 1-2 Portsmouth
Tottenham 3-0 Stoke
Remember the date Today, 24 October, is the inaugural Phil Brown Day. We wanted to make it 26 December, in honour of his sit-down at Manchester City), but he’s obviously going to be sacked before then so we need to milk this comedic cow for all its worth as soon as possible.
What a gift this man is: David Brent with a perma-tan and an even creepier beard. A man with such ceaseless joie de vivre that you have to wonder what the hell he’s on can only admire and respect him. I have overwhelming man-love for him. So please send in anything you like with regard to the great man, be it The Office/Phil Brown crossover quotes (”Geovanni I’m fed up”) or 2000 words on your favourite suntan. As well as keeping you abreast of all the 3pm matches, we also won’t be putting together this comprehensive package.
• The Forgotten Story of… Phil Brown, journeyman right-back
• The Joy of Six: sexxbeards
• A moving tribute from Phil Brown’s best friend
• On Second Thoughts: sexxbeards
• The future’s bright, the manager’s orange… Phil Brown’s guide to catching those rays
• Life begins at 50: a gallery of Phil Brown’s sexxbeards
• An exclusive link to Phil Brown’s Twitter page, where he will give us his thoughts throughout the game
YouTube links, while we wait for team news
1. This is brilliant
2. So is this
3. And this
4. This, too
5. This is even better
Birmingham v Sunderland team news The hugely exciting Jordan Henderson, 19, takes the place of Lee Cattermole in midfield for Sunderland. Birmingham’s equally exciting Christian Benitez plays for the first in a month, so Alex McLeish actually plays two up front. Two up front! What larks.
Birmingham (4-4-2) Hart; Carr, Roger Johnson, Dann, Ridgewell; Larsson, Ferguson, Bowyer, McFadden; Jerome, Benitez.
Subs: Maik Taylor, O’Connor, Phillips, McSheffrey, Queudrue, Parnaby,
Carsley.
Sunderland Gordon; Bardsley, Ferdinand, Turner, Richardson; Malbranque, Cana, Henderson, Reid; Bent, Jones.
Subs: Fulop, McCartney, Nosworthy, Zenden, Campbell, Da Silva, Healy.
Referee Martin Atkinson (W Yorkshire)
I live in the American Gardens Building on W. 81st Street on the 11th floor. My name is Phil Brown. I’m 50 years old. I believe in taking care of myself and a balanced diet and rigorous exercise routine. In the morning if my face is a little puffy I’ll put on an ice pack while doing stomach crunches. I can do 1000 now. After I remove the ice pack I use a deep pore cleanser lotion. In the shower I use a water activated gel cleanser, then a honey almond body scrub, and on the face an exfoliating gel scrub. Then I apply an herb-mint facial mask which I leave on for 10 minutes while I prepare the rest of my routine. I always use an after shave lotion with little or no alcohol, because alcohol dries your face out and makes you look older. Then moisturiser, then an anti-aging eye balm followed by a final moisturising protective lotion.
Tottenham v Stoke team news Jonathan Woodgate starts his first game of the season, while Peter Crouch replaces the suspended Jermain Defoe. Stoke make only one change: Andy Wilkinson for the suspended Robert Huth. Make that two: Thomas Sorensen was taken ill during the warm-up, so Steve Simonsen starts and there is no sub goalkeeper on the bench.
Tottenham (4-4-2) Gomes; Corluka, Woodgate, Bassong, Assou-Ekotto; Lennon, Huddlestone, Palacios, Kranjcar; Keane, Crouch.
Subs: Cudicini, Hutton, Bale, Jenas, Pavlyuchenko, Naughton, Dawson.
Stoke (4-4-2) Simonsen; Wilkinson, Abdoulaye Faye, Shawcross, Collins; Delap, Whitehead, Diao, Etherington; Fuller, Beattie.
Subs: Cort, Higginbotham, Whelan, Lawrence, Kitson, Pugh, Sanli.
Referee Lee Probert (Wiltshire)
Burnley v Wigan team news Wigan are unchanged for the fourth game in a row, while Burnley bring in Chris Eagles for David Nugent.
Burnley (4-3-3) Jensen; Mears, Carlisle, Caldwell, Jordan; Bikey, Alexander, Elliott; Eagles, Steven Fletcher, Blake.
Subs: Penny, Duff, McDonald, Gudjonsson, Nugent, Thompson, Guerrero.
Wigan (4-2-3-1) Kirkland; Melchiot, Boyce, Bramble, Figueroa; Thomas, Diame; N’Zogbia, Scharner, Rodallega; Scotland.
Subs: Pollitt, Cho, Koumas, Gomez, Sinclair, Kapo, King.
Referee Lee Mason (England)
Hull v Portsmouth team news Jimmy Bullard isn’t even on the bench for Hull, which suggests another injury problem. That’s a blow for Phil Brown first and foremost, but for Jimmy Bullard as well. Anthony Gardner returns after two months out, and gets the armband. He is Phil Brown’s seventh skipper of the season. You can imagine him going round the dressing-room, pointing the finger and saying ‘O captain! My captain! My captain! My captain! My captain! My captain! My captain!’. It’s like Dead bloody Poets Society in here sometimes.
Hull (4-2-3-1) Myhill; McShane, Gardner, Zayatte, Dawson; Marney, Olofinjana; Mendy; Geovanni, Hunt; Vennegoor of Hesselink.
Subs: Duke, Barmby, Garcia, Kilbane, Mouyokolo, Ghilas, Atkinson.
Portsmouth (4-1-2-1-2) James; Finnan, Wilson, Kaboul, Ben-Haim; Mokoena; Yebda, O’Hara; Boateng; Smith, Dindane.
Subs: Ashdown, Mullins, Piquionne, Vanden Borre, Webber, Kanu, Belhadj.
Referee Stuart Attwell (Warwickshire)
2.51pm Here’s Alex Netherton/David Brent/Phil Brown: “One person who has influenced PB in that way of thinking, someone who is a maverick, someone who does that to the system? It’s Geovanni.”
No you listen to me, “Jan Vennegoor of Hesselink”.
2.59pm My colleague Michael Whitaker has just told me he lives on, and you’ll like this, Phil Brown Place in Clapham. How good is that? If I had a house, I’d sell it and move there straight away.
3pm We’ve kicked off in all four of our games.
3.01pm Portsmouth have started well at Hull, with Tommy Smith dragging a shot just wide of the far post inside the first minute.
3.03pm “Happy Phil Brown day,” says Phil Cowan. “When people say to me, ‘Would you rather be thought of as a bronzed god or a great boss’, my answer’s always the same. To me, they’re not mutually exclusive.”
3.04pm Heroic defending from Jonathan Woodgate, who manages to head Matthew Etherington’s dangerous cross just wide of his own goal with James Beattie about to score. Woodgate took a whack in the face for his troubles.
3.04pm: Burnley 1-0 Wigan (Fletcher 4) Steven Fletcher gives Burnley the lead against Wigan. They have won their last 10 home games, and are up to their old tricks.
3.06pm “What will PB turn his talents to after Hull?” asks Tony Rowly. “Personally I’m hoping for a daytime cookery show where minor celebrities come on and decide who to kill first: PB or themselves.” I’d give my last drop of dignity to see him on Celebrity Big Brother.
3.10pm Brian Jensen makes two fine saves, one from Hugo Rodallega and the other from Mario Melchiot, to keep Burnley ahead against Wigan.
3.12pm: Burnley 1-1 Wigan (Rodallega 12) The oddest goal of the season: Brian Jensen comes out to collect a through ball, collapses dramatically with nobody near him, and Hugo Rodallega runs the ball into the empty net. It sounds like Jensen has twisted his ankle very badly. I haven’t seen it because we don’t do illegal feeds here, being good people and all, but it sounds like there might be a sportsmanship issue there. Remember Di Canio and Paul Gerrard back in the day? Maybe Rodallega didn’t know. It’s hard to tell when you’re relying on Paul Merson.
3.15pm Jonathan Woodgate lasted just 14 minutes on his first appearance of the season, and is replaced by Michael Dawson. Poor old Woodgate; he really coulda been a contender were it not for all those random injuries, and that bloody stupid hair. He was/is good enough to have played 82 times for England.
3.16pm Brian Jensen goes off and is replaced by Diego Penny. “I suppose Penny will slot right in,” says Jeff Stelling, who continues to tarnish the genius he shows in other areas of Soccer Saturday with these utterly diabolical puns.
3.19pm So these are the latest scores. Lots going on, as you can see.
Burnley 1-1 Wigan
Birmingham 0-0 Sunderland
Hull 0-0 Portsmouth
Tottenham 0-0 Stoke
3.23pm “Your photo is a fine addition to Phil Brown Day,” says Gary Naylor, “but why are Wayne Rooney and Sir Alex Ferguson moonlighting as press photographers?” That prompted a hearty, illicit grunt of laughter. GOL?
3.25pm A quick interview with Phil Brown.
3.26pm “Was just wondering what’s behind the dislike of Phil Brown?” says Michael Ryan. “Besides the obvious of course.” I genuinely like Phil Brown. Unlike many managers in the Premier League he’s a genuinely good person, if Brentishly naive, and he’s a motivator, he’s an entertainer. And, as Phil Brown would surely agree, laughter is the best medicine.
3.27pm Steve Simonsen makes a fine save to repel Aaron Lennon’s curling shot. It sounds like he’s keeping Spurs out on his own at the moment. Spurs only need four goals to go top of the league.
3.28pm “Should we condemn Rodellega for continuing to play after Jensen’s injury (assuming he was aware of it)?” says David Wall. “Given referees’ directives these days about kicking the ball out of play when an opponent is injured you can imagine Di Canio getting booked for deliberate handball if he did that now. Either that, or for challenging the referee’s authority if Howard Webb was in charge.”
And as for Steve Bennett… difficult to say re: Rodallega without seeing it. Nobody on Sky has mentioned it – not even Paul Merson, who is covering the game – which suggests a fuss wasn’t made by the Burnley players. Either that or Paul Merson’s brain literally switches on and off every 30 seconds, and a big punch-up occurred during downtime.
3.29pm Hull v Portsmouth is, to quote Phil Thompson on Sky Sports, “absolutely dross”. At White Hart Lane, Spurs are all over Stoke like a cheap one. Beattie acrobatically clears Crouch’s header off the line, getting his foot up to his head like he’s auditioning for Fame, and then Kranjcar hits the post (or, as Matt Le Tissier on Sky calls it, “the beans”. Oh, Matt).
3.30pm
“How old are you, Phil?”
“I’m fif- I’m an adult.”
3.34pm Scores. Here.
Burnley 1-1 Wigan
Birmingham 0-0 Sunderland
Hull 0-0 Portsmouth
Tottenham 0-0 Stoke
3.35pm “This is the third Hull game on trot I’ve seen,” says Jamie Jackson, the poor, luckless bast our man at the KC Stadium, “and they are not getting any better.” They are desperate. Not even Phil Brown could save this lot.
3.36pm “The Portsmouth lot have been calling you ‘Mr. Toad’,” says Tony Ling.
3.37pm Magnificent stuff from Phil Thompson, who is watching Hull v Portsmouth on Sky Sports: “Honestly, the referee should stop the game, call the two captains together and say, ‘Boys, this isn’t good enough. This is a Premier League game’.”
3.38pm: Birmingham 1-0 Sunderland (Ridgewell 37) A big goal for Birmingham. Sebastian Larsson whips in a dangerous free-kick from the left, and for some reason Kenwyne Jones is left marking four Birmingham players on the six-yard line. One of them is Liam Ridgewell, who touches it past Craig Gordon from four yards.
3.40pm “It would appear that Jerome actually had the final touch in Birmingham, even though Ridgewell decided to claim it all the same,” says Tony Ling. “What was a bit easier to spot was that Ridgewell was offside when the ball hit the goal.” But was he offside when the free-kick came in?
3.43pm “Public condemnation was the consequence for Norwegian striker Peter Kovacs after this similar situation a few weeks ago,” says Mads Burheim.
That’s great. It looks like a sniper got him. Or, as Phil Brown would say, Look Dad, there is no Norwegian sniper.
3.44pm Duncan Smith may or may not have a hangover and may or may not be letting all the frustration out here. “Best league in the world my arse. It’s a dross league dominated by four teams and strapping six footers. It’s boring, it’s not pretty, it’s not skilful. Remember Le Tiss in his pomp? He was magical. Now he’d be dropped for Heskey for his ability to lead the line and his physical presence. Phil Thompson is a fool of the highest order if he thinks that clogging it about and never keeping possession is somehow not the English elite!”
3.45pm “Awful,” says Jamie Jackson at Hull. I wish I was watching this. It sounds like the Plan 9 From Outer Space of fitba matches.
3.48pm “I actually utilized my DVR/TiVO/magic cable time-freezing box to answer your question, and upon a bit of work with the pause button I’ve ascertained that Ridgewell (or someone) is, indeed, offside when the free kick comes in,” says Tony Ling. “Much like your employers, I hold myself and my MBM comments to the highest of journalistic standards.” Ah, but was whoever was offside also active? I’m sure I care anymore, it’s not worth breaking the TiVO. Not the TiVO.
3.52pm It’s half-time in all the games in the Best League in England, and these are the scores.
Burnley 1-1 Wigan
Birmingham 1-0 Sunderland
Hull 0-0 Portsmouth
Tottenham 0-0 Stoke
Not exactly rousing stuff. Were it not for Phil Brown Day, the grandchildren would have little chance of hearing about the football events of 24/10/2009.
4.02pm The second halves have started.
4.03pm “Please take down the photo,” says Mac Milings. “The size of Phil Brown’s hands terrifies me. He could be a goalkeeper.”
4.07pm: Birmingham 2-0 Sunderland (McFadden 48) Birmingham put two up front and start scoring goals. It’s as if the two are related! This was a lovely finish from James McFadden: he duped Phil Bardsley in typical fashion and then coolly passed the ball wide of Craig Gordon with his right foot.
4.09pm “Bad news Jeff,” says Phil Thompson on Sky, “both teams did come out for the second half.” Phil Thompson is in fantastic form. He looks utterly broken.
4.11pm “Last time I emailed you and you published it, I was going live with a lovely Belgian IT system,” says Sam Hedges. “Well, guess what?” You’ve since admitted an addiction to sniffing Dulux Solid Emulsion and have been sacked? “I’m in the office again on a Saturday which means…. Yes, IT go live again. Portugal this time J Customer is friendly, generous, much nicer to work for. Data totally disorganised. National stereotypes fully intact.”
4.12pm Chris Kirkland makes an outstanding save to deny Chris Eagles at Turf Moor. Kirkland is probably the best keeper in England, isn’t he?
4.14pm I don’t know who I’m concerned about: Phil Thompson or Jamie Jackson. “Marc Wilson just blasted a regulation pass straight at Paul Hart,” writes Jamie. “What an afternoon.” Wilson got the wrong manager. Sometimes the aim will be false. Still, there’s that four-hour train journey home to look forward to, eh.
4.15pm Here’s the league table as things stand.
4.15pm: Burnley 1-2 Wigan (Rodallega 51) And that league table has changed, because Hugo Rodallega has scored his second to put Wigan 2-1 up. Fed by the excellent Jason Scotland, he finished splendidly with the outside of his right foot. It sounds like Wigan are a little fortunate to be ahead, but few would begrudge this most likeable of teams a bit of luck here and there. Burnley fans might, I suppose.
4.17pm Get your latest scores, right here.
Burnley 1-2 Wigan
Birmingham 2-0 Sunderland
Hull 0-0 Portsmouth
Tottenham 0-0 Stoke
4.18pm “Don’t undersell that journey,” says Jamie Jackson. “It’s at least five-and-a-quarter hours door to door. On Mr P Brown – the league would be an empty, less vibrant place without the manager also known as Phil Orange.” It will indeed, maybe as soon as this week if Hull lose today. If he does get sacked, you can imagine him loitering about the place for years to come, greeting Hull’s new manager as “the fella who nicked me job!”
4.19pm “If Phil Brown put on white suit and pulled that pose he’d look like some kind of evangelical nutter,” announces James Collins. “As opposed to just a nutter.”
Go and get the guitar.
4.22pm “The comedic value of imagining Phil Brown in an Austin Powers outfit appearing at a pub in front of 50 people doing a third-rate Dating Game rip-off cannot be overstated,” says Tony Ling. “Especially if you’ve had as long a Friday night as I did.”
4.23pm Aruna Dindane misses a good chance to give Portsmouth the lead at Hull, striking straight at Boaz Myhill, who then claws away a close-range touch from Hassan Yebda. What will Phil Brown make of it all?
4.24pm Stoke might just hang on for one of the most scandalous 0-0s of all time. Spurs have missed two more chances, one cleared off the line and another buggered up by Corluka.
4.25pm “i don’t like this smug patronising of hull and phil brown, in a way I hope we do go down so we can at least be given a bit of respect and have a chance of winning, i miss the fun and banter of the championship and would be quite happy to leave the snobbery of the premiership behind, i know brown has done some stupid things and i do think he does probably need to be sacked as hull need a change, but i respect him because he cares and shows a bit of emotion, this has been an amazing few years to be a hull city fan, i can take a joke but f@%k you rob smyth,” says Patrick Brotherhead.
4.27pm “Taffy! Taffy! Boaz. We call him Taffy.”
4.29pm Portsmouth are turning the screw at Hull. This is, you suspect, a huge 20 minutes for both sides – particularly Hull, actually, because I can’t see Portsmouth going down.
4.31pm “Wigan are only the ‘most likeable of teams’ for those who didn’t have to put up with their arrogant bragging and posturing while they bought their way up the leagues earlier this decade,” says Ed Rostron. “Most people outside the Premiership actually hate them.”
Oh I only meant this Wigan team, not the club. Dave Whelan seems like a vainglorious tool, but Roberto Martinez is one of life’s good guys and they play some extremely pleasant stuff.
4.32pm One thing Hull do have is the best kit in the division, even if, as one of my colleagues pointed out, it’s the same colour as their manager.
4.33pm Eagles has missed a good chance for Burnley, who have switched to 4-4-2 since introducing David Nugent.
4.34pm “I’m a strange bloke first, a manager second,” says Alex Netherton. “Prob’ly an embarrassment third.”
4.35pm Scores etc.?
Burnley 1-2 Wigan
Birmingham 2-0 Sunderland
Hull 0-0 Portsmouth
Tottenham 0-0 Stoke
4.36pm Here’s Jimmy McManners: “So, Michael Turner came to me and said thank you Phil, for the opportunity and continued support in the work-related arena, but I’ve done that, I wanna better myself, I wanna move on, then I can make that dream come true, to, AKA, for you… and let you move to Sunderland.”
4.38pm How the hell are Stoke still drawing at Spurs? If they hang on, that will be four draws out of five on the road this season, a big improvement on last year. However lucky they have been today, you can only admire the work Tony Pulis has done at that club.
4.40pm “To Ed Rostron,” says Tom Coulton. “‘Arrogant bragging and posturing’? You must have only spoken to our fans who suddenly ‘discovered’ their loyalties on our promotion to the big-money league. Oh, and buying our way up the leagues? If you did a bit of research then you’d find that the squads that won us our promotions weren’t anywhere as expensive as the myth would suggest. Any more ill-informed views you can bless us with? Rugby town? Flat caps? Road to Wigan Pier?”
4.41pm: Burnley 1-3 Wigan (Boyce 78) Paul Scharner flicks on a corner and Emmerson Boyce gives Wigan three points. They will be in the top half of the table this evening.
4.42pm: Birmingham 2-1 Sunderland (Turner 82) Sunderland are back in the game. Michael Turner’s excellent backheader beat Joe Hart and was probably just drifiting into the far corner, but Scott Dann made sure by slicing an attempted clearance into his own net. It might go down as an own goal; Sunderland won’t really care either way.
4.43pm “Hi Rob,” says Alex Pechersky, who emphatically has not missed the joke, oh no. “I know you have probably heard this a million times so I apologise profusely for the repetition; You are an utter c*nt.. kind regards, Alex.”
4.45pm “To Tom Coulton,” says Ed Rostron. “So were the rest of League One buying strikers for £1m+ in 2002, then?” Oh get a fighting cage, you two.
4.47pm: Tottenham 0-1 Stoke (Whelan 86) This is the going to be one of the great smash-and-grab victories. Spurs are down to 10 men, with Aaron Lennon off after they had used all three subs, and Stoke have punished them with yet another brilliant strike from Glenn Whelan. Ricardo Fuller laid it back invitingly towards the edge of the box, and Whelan smacked a beautiful shot across Gomes and high into the far corner. He hits the ball so sweetly.
4.50pm “Oversensitive Hull fans should remember that Brent, Fawlty and Partridge all became beloved national treasures,” says Niall Mullen. “Phil Brown will surely achieve the same status. If he hasn’t already.”
4.51pm Jermaine Jenas’s goalbound shot hits Peter Crouch. Tottenham have been incredibly unlucky today.
4.52pm “Three managerial geniuses?” says Alex Netherton. “I’d probably say Mourinho, Ferguson, Shankly. Allardyce.”
4.53pm It’s over at St Andrews, where Birmingham have beaten Sunderland 2-1.
4.54pm It’s finished Phil Brown 0-0 Portsmouth at the KC Stadium. “Niall Mullen might be onto something with the Partridge reference,” says Toby Joy. “I can imagine PB doing something like this if he saw Fabio Capello walking past…”
4.57pm Stoke have won at White Hart Lane for the first time since the 70s. Outstanding stuff. Steve Simonsen, who was only playing because Thomas Sorensen was taken ill in the warm-up, had a sensational game.
4.58pm Right, that’s it. I’d love to stop and chat, but I have a 14-second window in which to go to the men’s room before I’m strapped back in the chair for Chelsea v Blackburn. These are the final scores.
Burnley 1-3 Wigan
Birmingham 2-1 Sunderland
Hull 0-0 Portsmouth
Tottenham 0-1 Stoke
Happy Phil Brown Day!
Premier LeagueBurnleyWigan AthleticHull CityTottenham HotspurStoke CityPortsmouthBirmingham CitySunderlandRob SmythMinute-by-minute reportguardian.co.uk
